By Apostolos Kyriakis, Caregiver
Our story begins 16 years ago, when my wife started suffering from cancer. Over the years, we have experienced many ups and downs, remissions, relapses, and metastases. Lately, the disease has spread to the lung and the truth is that we have now reached borderline, as she is almost constantly bedridden, either in the hospital or at our home.
My wife is very important to me, our relationship is beautiful and precious and over the years I have tried to stand by her side, help and comfort her.
This, of course, brings an emotional burden, a poor quality of life and as a result, I often feel unable to carry on. I think about the “after”. I think about whether an instant end or a long suffering is “better”. When we take care of our loved ones with total devotion, we lose balance and our own lives, we come into conflict with our needs. It is exhausting and can affect the caregiving itself.
The truth is that friends can’t help me in the way I need, because they don’t know what to tell me. They support me, but sometimes they stand awkwardly by my side. The words “Courage” and “Strength” don’t comfort me anymore. I want us to go out and see each other like before. I need other things.
So, I had to get some strength, figure out my limits. I reached out to FairLife L.C.C.’s BREATH Psychosocial Support Program and through the sessions, I got advice, answers, cleared up thoughts and concerns. In brief, I was empowered.
I remember holding my wife’s hand when she was in pain. I felt powerless to offer her anything more. I wanted to do more, to take the pain away from her but, of course, that was impossible.
We don’t have a magic wand.
The psychological support and the sessions helped me to understand that “that’s as far as I could go” and that this was enough. They somehow took away the guilt and burden I was feeling. Mental health professionals almost always know what to say and it is a support I would recommend to both patients and caregivers experiencing lung cancer.
All around us, there are our own people facing disease, potentially life threatening. To these people, we owe respect. Recently, I experienced the loss of a close friend due to lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and I know he had a burden of guilt that he was carrying, in addition to cancer. The well-known smoking guilt that has been fuelling the stigma around the disease for so many years. I’ve heard very harsh words from third parties about all the smokers who have gotten sick. Unacceptable in a modern, civilised society.
I would say, again:
“Even if it was my fault, it doesn’t matter now. I don’t get frustrated about things I can’t solve.
But I can, through my experience, help people to stop it.”
Personally, I already do, and will keep doing so in the future.
I would prefer my wife to have a peaceful ending. To not be in pain.
I’m grateful for our moments while she was well.
A few months ago, when she was better, we enjoyed the time we were given. We went on a journey, and I hope we can go again.
We feel like we have infinite time.
But, because we don’t, let’s enjoy the time with our loved ones and let’s all work together to raise awareness of lung cancer. Without stigma.
March 3, 2023
